Surreptitious Surprises
by Nightsmoke
Summary: Haine expresses his wish to overcome his fear of women, and Naoto is tired of bickering. They get some unexpected help in the matter. Humor ensues. Slight Haine/Naoto if you squint.


**Author's note:** This is my first Dogs story. I'm still getting a feel for the characters, which is difficult since the anime has not been released yet. Suggestions and feedback is welcome, and thanks to those of you who've taken the time to read this!

_All characters © Miwa Shirow_

* * *

_**Surreptitious Surprises **_

_._

Badou's lips momentarily released their hold on the cigarette, making the roll of paper quiver precariously on the side of his mouth. For a minute he had almost forgotten about the sweet nicotine curling around his lungs.

"Eh, may I ask what prompted such a change?" he asked Haine in response to what he had just heard. Haine threw a cursory glance to the window, where an uncharacteristically blue sky blanketing the world outside was clearly visible. The temperature today was balmy enough to call summer, even though the seasons no longer existed. In high spirits due to the weather, Kiri had gone out to run errands with Mihai, and had asked Badou to tend to the Buon Viaggio. As if he had nothing better to do (which sadly, he didn't). It was only by chance that the albino gunman had walked in.

Haine scowled. "That old bastard Mihai."

"When he said that you're wasting your life away by dwelling on the past?"

Haine didn't feel the need to reply. Inhaling deeply, Badou allowed the smoke to linger in his mouth before blowing it out slowly.

"So let me get this straight," he said finally, propping his elbows up on the countertop. "You want to get over your fear of women, so you're asking _me_ to help you improve your relationship with Naoto?"

"Exactly," Haine said, his expression so flat it was almost comical if it had been on anyone else. Badou sighed, crushed out his cigarette, and rubbed the scarred flesh underneath his eye patch tiredly.

"Fine," he relented. "You've gotten loads better with her, if you remember the first time she met us. I'm not exactly brimming with experience, but I can try to help so that you don't piss yourself every time you bump into her." Badou cracked his knuckles expertly. "So. Where do we start?"

Haine thought a moment, before answering, "Kiri's planning a dinner here this evening," he replied. "The woman is invited."

"Well, you can start by calling her by her first name."

"Fine…_Naoto_ will be eating with us tonight," Haine seethed.

Badou nodded. "Better. Now, if she sits next to you, which she probably won't—but if she does, what will you do?"

"Move to another seat."

"Fuck you will."

"I will remain in that seat and endure," Haine corrected himself, his pernicious glower thinly veiled.

"Good," Badou said, fumbling in his coat pocket for another smoke. "What happens if she asks you to pass the salt?"

"How do you know she will want the salt?"

"It's an example, dammit! If she asks for _any_ item out of her reach," Badou continued, "You'll get it for her."

Haine frowned. "That could be problematic. My hand might touch hers while I'm giving it to her."

"And what'll happen then? Will you run from the table screaming for mommy? Will you shit your diddies?"

"Shut it," Haine sighed, blowing back an errant strand of stark-white hair that had fallen in front of his eyes.

"Now, conversation," Badou began.

"I'll try to refrain from that as much as possible. Women don't like the loquacious types—"

"—wrong!" Baodu interjected, suddenly taking on a somewhat holier-than-thou tone. "You will start conversation with her, otherwise dinner will be spoiled. I can't eat with an awkward atmosphere."

"What do I say?"

"Ahh, _mou!_ Anything! 'What did you do today, how is the food, I like your fucking dress!"

"I like your dress?" Haine repeated, graciously omitting the profanity. His eyebrows shot up and became lost in his bangs. Badou grinned lopsidedly and his shoulders rolled in a shrug.

"This is pointless," Haine said, standing up. His chains clacked together softly as he pushed in his chair. "I knew I should've asked Mihai-sensei, but I'll try to take your advice, Badou-_sensei_."

Badou blanched at the sarcastic honorific given to him_._ "You better, if you really want to get over your fear!" he called as Haine opened the door, and then remembered what he had wanted to ask a few minutes ago. "By the way, why are we having a dinner tonight?"

At the door Haine turned his head, looking over his shoulder with an expression of mild disgust decorating his features.

"For something stupid," he replied, before disappearing into the day.

**2.**

That 'something stupid' turned out to be a celebration of Haine's birthday.

"Shit, Haine, why didn't you tell me it was today?" Badou exclaimed, grinning so widely that the corner of his mouth appeared for a moment to disappear behind his eye patch. This was due in part to the vintage wine that Mihai had brought, although Badou could usually hold his liquor rather well. He was the one person who Haine could never tell if he was drunk or merely pretending to be.

"Well it's actually tomorrow, if you wanted to get specific," the gunman replied drearily. His fingers itched to tinker with one of his chains or buttons, but Kiri had insisted he replace his usual garb with something more formal. Now a plain black jacket covered a plain gray shirt, and plain black jeans covered his legs.

Naoto _was_ in fact wearing a dress, Haine noted with dismay, though it was slightly longer than those short skirts she always wore. Thankfully she had not chosen to sit next to him… rather, directly across. Her salient Japanese features jumped out at him from the other side of the table, and Haine averted his eyes.

Dinner at the Buon Viaggio turned out to be far from jejune, and for a while everyone was so immersed in their suppers that little conversation took place. Then, once the food began to disappear, words took their place. Kiri and Mimi initiated a conversation in which they tried to persuade Mihai into getting a GPS. Badou began to proudly compare the caliber of Camels as opposed to Marlboros, which no one but himself seemed to take much interest in. Eventually little discussions popped up around the table like spring flowers.

Haine sighed inwardly, and caught Naoto's gaze. Out of his peripheral vision, he saw Badou flash him a subtle thumbs-up.

"Haine?" Naoto had noticed his stare. Now what was he supposed to say? He was an assassin, for fuck's sake! He could rip mens' faces off with his hands tied behind his back, and could take out an entire mob with a single gun. Surely he should be able to speak to a mere woman. Fuck gynophobia. His eyes strayed to her plate. Piece of cake.

"You like chicken, don't you?"

On the other side of the table, Badou slapped a hand to his forehead a little less subtly.

Naoto blinked her dark eyes. "What?" She looked at her dish, not sure what that comment had meant and how to reply to it.

"I…do," she answered, a little warily. "I think my parents used to make it for me, but I can't really remember."

"Ah," Haine said. There was not really much else to say. Naoto gathered some food on her fork, paused, and looked around.

"Can you pass the salt, Haine?"

Badou snorted into his glass rather loudly.

After shooting his partner a reproachful glare, Haine reached over and snatched the little shaker from his side of the table.

"Generally one's supposed to say 'please' with that," he chided, which earned him a frown from Naoto. She reached out her hand as Haine brought his around…and he noticed how close her skin was. It was pale, also…

…just like Lily's.

Haine began to tremble, and he tried to will away the beads of perspiration that were rapidly forming on his forehead.

"Are you alright?" Naoto asked him, when his hand paused in mid-air.

"J-just take your salt!" Haine growled lowly, thrusting the shaker at her. It landed, tumbled over, and spilled its contents all over her plate in sparkling white piles, which would have been pretty if it'd tasted half as good as it looked.

Conversation didn't necessarily cease, but those talking paused momentarily at the spill. Badou rolled his eye and brought his hands together silently in a facetious applaud.

Haine rose lithely, excusing himself despite the protests that the birthday guest should at least stay for his own dinner.

Once again, he met Naoto's gaze. She was brushing sprinkles of salt from her dress. "The bathroom's in back if you want to wash up…" Haine mumbled as he left.

"…Naoto."

Her head rose sharply at the use of her name, and from his place at the table, Badou allowed himself a small smile.

**3.**

Although the Blade Maiden wasn't one to fear the dark, she generally avoided the church at night. Nighttime was when…_things_ crept out of the sewers and shadows. Things that were as slimy as this rotted world and that slowly tightened their hold around your neck. In fact, Naoto could almost hear them rustling now, a peculiar flapping noise—

"Oh!" She leaned back on the cool wooden pew, blowing out a breath. "It's only you, Nill."

Looking apologetic, the girl sat beside her and gave an inquiring stare. Her wings were folded against her back as she propped herself up against the pew.

"It's Haine," Naoto told the girl with a sigh. "I never know what he's thinking, or what his problem is with women." Nill blinked, signifying that she should continue.

"I feel like he really is trying to overcome his _horror feminae_," Naoto stated, "And honestly, I'm sick of bickering with him all time. Tomorrow's supposedly his birthday, and…" She trailed off.

"I was thinking of getting him a gift."

"?!"

Nill's face wore something indistinguishable between shock and amusement.

"I know, I know." Naoto tucked a short strand of hair behind her ear. "I wasn't aware that he even _had_ a birthday, giving that he can't remember anything before his experiment. Nonetheless, I don't know how to give him—or what to give him without it seeming weird."

The two girls sat for a while, lost in the silence of the church and their own swirling thoughts. Naoto was interrupted from her musings by a gentle tug on her sleeve.

Nill was beaming endearingly, her blue eyes ardent even in the dark.

"Yes, Nill?"

The girl pointed to her own sleeve. With a thumb and index finger she made a hole and placed that hand on various points around her body. Then she feigned the act of sewing. Finally, with both hands, she gathered a bunch of material from her blouse and lifted it delicately.

Naoto took a minute to process all of that information, and then smiled. "That's a great idea, Nill," she exclaimed. "Will you help me?"

The girl gave a zealous nod, and the two exited the church together.

After they had left, the Bishop emerged from behind an altar, from the shadows, grinning. Eyesight wasn't even required to guess what Nill had in mind.

"That's a very good idea indeed," he said with a chuckle.

**4.**

"Whew, finally!" Naoto exclaimed, holding up the finished product just as Nill plopped down onto her bed, snoring lightly. It was perfect.

_Haine's always tearing his clothes up or getting holes in them one way or another,_ Naoto thought, _so a new jacket would make a fitting gift. _

"You've improved your sewing so much, Nill," she told the girl softly, although she doubted Nill was awake to accept the praise. That was expected, as it was almost three in the morning. The two had stayed up practically the whole night sewing a durable jacket. Not from scratch, of course—they had found one of the priest's old coats and had modified it to fit Haine's taste, although that didn't make the task any less laborious.

The new and improved jacket was sleek, black, and more apposite to the gunman's style. Nill had even helped to add a few extra zippers. Naoto stood, and placed the jacket in a small cardboard box.

"I'll just leave this with you for a while, otherwise the others may get suspicious," she whispered, setting the box down. With a swish of her scarf Naoto left as the first rays of morning sun began to stream into the room.

It was not long after Naoto had been gone that the Bishop pushed open the door to Nill's room. It _was_ part of the church, after all. The poor girl was exhausted, and he doubted she'd even wake even if he were to proceed with less stealth.

Generally he didn't like to interfere with the lives of the young ones, but this occasion just screamed for it. After all, he had to live up to his ominous title as the priest who "knew things," didn't he? Crouching down low the Bishop found the box, prying it open with deftness uncharacteristic of a normal clergyman. He quickly removed its contents, replacing it with something else that he had kept hidden in his cassock. After replacing the lid, the Bishop slinked out of the room like some priestly poltergeist. The fun was about to begin.

**5.**

Naoto almost turned back then and there when she entered the Buon Viaggio and found Badou attempting to force-feed Haine a piece of cake. Upon her visit the two ceased their roughhousing, Haine eyeing her with a suspicious claret glare. Badou reached for his smokes and conveniently busied himself behind the counter.

A sigh escaped Naoto's lips. Better get this over with.

"Happy birthday," she told Haine succinctly. "I thought you could use this. It's a gift." The cardboard box was produced, and Haine saw that a little bow-wrapper decorated its front. He merely blinked for a moment, as he was unaccustomed to receiving presents.

"You…"

"Stop goggling and take it," Naoto almost snapped, feeling like a fool with her arm outstretched. As Haine took it with an almost comic timorousness, she added, "You can open it now or save it for later if you want."

When he didn't respond Badou elbowed him in the ribs. Naoto observed a silent argument taking place between them, and waited.

"Thank you," Haine managed after a moment, and Naoto's chest felt a little lighter when she saw that some part of him truly meant it. She gave a nod.

Curious, Haine gingerly tore apart the tape that held the box in place. Once that had been removed, he opened the lid with an anticipation similar to Badou opening a fresh packet of smokes.

He stared.

Naoto still hadn't left the Buon Viaggio, and she paused at the blank expression donning Haine's features.

He stared some more.

"You…thought I could use this?" he repeated after a decade of silence, still staring into the box. Badou, inquisitive despite himself, peered over Haine's shoulder. After a second he bit his lip, hard, lest he suffer a fate worse than death via one irked albino. But that didn't stop the half-baked grin from spreading over his face, nor the stifled sniggers that followed.

"Yes, since you've been needing a new one anyway." Naoto frowned. "Do you have a problem with it?"

Three eyes, blank with stupefaction, rested on her wordlessly. At that moment they looked less like menacing gunmen and more like mentally inept pre-schoolers.

"Um…"

"Well, I apologize for trying to be nice," Naoto said coolly. She tried not to show how wounded she felt, although it was quite difficult. "Next time don't expect me to do you any favors, you dogs." And with that she flipped her scarf over her shoulder and proceeded to storm out theatrically. At least that was the plan, until Haine interrupted her.

"Apparently you meant that in the literal sense," he announced. His tone was neither angry, as she expected it to be, or sad, which would have been worse. It was merely indifferent…but with a tincture of underlying humor so wispy that it was almost undetectable.

Naoto whipped her head around. "And what's that supposed to mean?"

Haine met her gaze, and without looking down slowly took out the box's contents and held them up.

In one hand was a flea collar, and in the other was a squeaky chew- toy.

"....."

"........"

The thick and awkward silence that followed was only punctured by the high-pitched _EEEE-ooo_ as Haine gave the toy a squeeze.

* * *

Elsewhere, the Bishop suddenly broke out into a paroxysm of laughter, clutching his stomach through his cassock as tears formed at the corners of his unseeing eyes. Nill gave him a little questioning sound but he merely waved her off, still chuckling.

End.

* * *

_Omake_

"It had to be you," Badou exclaimed as he puffed out a stream of smoke. "Only you."

The Bishop smiled and walked down from the podium, his footsteps echoing around the vast church. "I won't deny that," he said.

"How are they doing, by the way? Haine and Naoto?"

"Surprisingly well," replied Badou, his eye widening skeptically. "Your little stunt had a positive effect…they seemed to find the, ah, _gifts_ highly amusing."

The priest's smile showed a few more teeth, glad he had was guilty of only a venial sin. He breezed past the pews with blonde hair undulating down his back. "After all, it is my job to help others with their troubles," he commented. "That's what a clergyman does, no?"

Badou sat up and turned around abruptly. "Wait—don't tell me you…"

But the church was empty, and he found silence to be his only companion.


End file.
